Grace & Tender Mercies

I have been taking a class at BYU - Behavioral Addictions - that has taught me a lot about myself and those around me. Basically I have come to know what grace is in an undeniable way and to believe more than ever in the power of the atonement. Today was not such a great day for me - so I decided instead of being upset to read a book I needed to finish for this class entitled "Addiction & Grace". I came upon a quote in the book - "A Jewish child of the Holocaust once wrote, And every day, no matter how bitter it be, I will say: From tomorrow on, I shall be sad, Not today!" I am astonished sometimes at the strength of others when faced with adversity that makes my troubles seem so small. I felt deeply humbled by this and decided to focus on all the amazing things about my life and where I am right now. In honor of the child who wrote that, I want to dedicate the rest of this blog to all the blessings in my life. I could list them, but I think instead I will post some recent pictures from my travels and fun things I have been doing all summer....These are the people I love most in life (minus a few), but this was a pretty great day!
Surfing with Jay off the coast of California - great memories!Fun times in Seattle and Vancouver with my bff's!

The Lord is so aware of me!

I spent Sunday fasting about a really big decision. His answer was clear, but I wanted something else... As is usually the case with me and Him. I read my Patriarchal Blessing like 10 times, kept praying over my 24 hours, and was determined not to eat until the answer changed. The answer was uncomfortable, and I didn't want to do it. I wanted to cut a certain situation out of my life and never look back, but the answer didn't change. I broke my fast, called my mom, and cried to her. I went to Ward Prayer where they showed a video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAjZ8mfoYw - it changed my life. Tears fell, and I knew that Heavenly Father's plan was bigger than my own - it was bigger than this stupid "situation" I was in, and that he knew what I needed and what would make me happiest in the end. Turn's out life was gonna make this decision for me in the end, but when it came down to it, I had no regrets because I knew it was the Lord's plan. That was the most comforting part about all of this... Personal revelation is the greatest way that the Lord shows me he is aware of me. Needless to say, I am excited. I'm kind of in love with my life right now!

I feel like falling

I hate being tied down, I don't like commitment, and I think it all comes down to the fact that I like where I am, and I don't like change - even if it means moving forward. I have some tough decisions coming up and I feel like my attitude needs a big adjustment - I need to stop fearing the future. People always say you should live in the present and not worry so much about the future - I need to do the opposite - Stop living for today and grow up and make some big decisions about my future. I'm tempted to just buy a plane ticket back to Alaska, climb in my childhood bed, and never get out. They say the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.... That is sooo not true. I fear committing 2-5 years of my life to a graduate program, I fear falling for someone, and everyday I fear I am not prepared for what Heavenly Father has in store for me. Does anyone else ever feel like this? But I don't think the root of fear is not unpreparedness at all - in fact I think I have been prepared for awhile to move forward. I have a hypothesis about what I think causes this fear, but it probably wouldn't make sense to just anyone. I have this good friend who recently told me I "need to stop waiting for the Bachelor, Jake, because this person I decide to marry has to be physically present at the temple...." I laughed so hard when he said this! I have another friend who recently told me "to get married - because it is a commandment". He has more of the "enforcement" attitude, which I can sometimes appreciate, but not in that moment :) People are funny! Apparently everyone is getting married in 2010, and subsequently want me to get married as well. I'm just tired of talking about it/thinking about it - Utah is a little intense in that way! I just want to have a lot of guy friends and then one day marry one of them - is there anything wrong with being a little more casual about it? The word "date" freaks me out - it always has, but I am trying harder to call my little "outings" what they really are. Man, I need another one of DA's in-home therapy sessions! I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but maybe he could teach me how to trust - yes, trust is the real issue. And fear is the opposite of trust, so this all makes sense - at least to me, lol. I bet no one else understands what the heck I'm talking about..... Haha, I don't care - it just feels good to blog again!

Finally!

Today I heard my favorite song on the radio and it didn't hurt like it used to - and that is enough reason to blog. It didn't remind me of someone.... It was such a liberating feeling - I love having my life back! I've been staying away from blogging for the same reason, but I miss it and I want to come back. I think one of my best friend's, K, would agree right now that life sucks when you have to deal with heartbreak. I think it's easier to just not let go of your heart in the first place - to guard it a little more carefully - not love so freely. That is not in my nature, and it's not in her's either. I think God gives us best friends, though, to remind us that there is goodness out there, and to keep loving and keep believing in people. And in my case, He gave me a best friend that would teach me how to be strong, so that I could teach her only a few months later. Someone once told me that you never really get over someone until you fall in love again. I think that is a death trap. My advice is this - Heal first, so you can be 100% yourself when you fall in love again, not bring any baggage with you, and fall for someone who you really love and not someone who you love just because he resembles the last guy that you are still in love with. Ok, enough about love...

Life has been great for me. I just got into graduate school at BYU, I get to see my best friend every day, and everything that once seemed broken is starting to become whole again. Sure, I still have trials in my life, but things are getting better - way better. I felt a new start coming over me when I came to Utah and in line with that, I have mended some friendships, ended some that needed to be ended, and met a ton of new people. Some days life is so simple that I just have to laugh - my life has never been this simple. For instance, the other day, I went to a random class, met up with my best friend for a cinnamon roll, then went for a drive through the canyon. When I stopped, I rolled down the window, hung my head out, putting my feet on the passenger's seat and just let the sun hit my face. It was such a warm day for January in Utah. It was a perfect day!

Straight Arrows

Ok, so when I moved to San Antonio several years ago I met a girl who thought I may be a bit too picky in my choice of characteristics I look for in men. I told her I wasn't, but that I had many things I just didn't want to have to put up with for eternity. She told me I could have fifteen. She told me that a while back she made three lists - Have to Have, Want to Have, and Can't Have. Each list should contain no more than 5 items. I made those lists that day, but what I realized recently is that there are little things about guys that I don't like that just falls under the "annoying" or what I like to call "straight arrow" category. Let me explain what I mean.

Several years ago I was on a date with a guy when we decided to watch a movie. He had borrowed a c.d. case full of pirated DVD's from a non-lds roommate and as we were flipping through them we picked out a DVD that I had really been wanting to watch - so much so that my roommate had actually rented it and said I could watch it that same weekend. As we started watching the movie I could tell he was really uncomfortable. He then turned to me and asked if we could do something else because he did not feel comfortable watching a movie that had been pirated. I told him once again that my roommate had rented the exact same DVD and that it was sitting in my dorm room only a few blocks away - and that if he wanted me to go out in the blizzardy snow weather and get it I could, but that the movie sitting right in front of us was the exact SAME movie. He turned off the DVD and actually had the nerve to ask me to go get it. I weathered the storm and retrieved the movie and we watched it, but the whole time we were watching it I thought to myself how ridiculous his request was.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love this guy to death - he is still one of my dearest friends, and I hate to use him as an example, but I hope he can look back on this experience and laugh. I have since met many straight arrows and while I am glad they are out there, this is definitely on my "Can't Have" list. Where are all the normal guys!!!!????? In today's world it seems like guys are either "straight arrows", which is my nice name for them, or non-temple-recommend-holding, aren't-worthy-of-the-Priesthood, guys. And the worst are the ones that pretend to be straight arrows but have the most disgusting deep dark secrets - things that shouldn't even happen... ever - the last few guys I've dated fell into this category...

Anyway, I just wanted to vent about this... I'm in a man-hating mood right now I guess... haha, I don't think I could ever really hate men. Anyway, I am going to post two of my three lists... The "Want to Have" list is kind of personal/a little superficial....

Here goes...

HAVE TO HAVE:
1. A temple recommend - which includes a solid testimony of the gospel
2. Wants to have at least 5 kids (and is good with children)
3. Does his home teaching (this will show me that he is responsible and takes callings seriously)
4. A good credit score (trust me, I will check before I marry the guy)
5. A college education - or is well on his way to having one

CAN'T HAVE:
1. A guy who plays more than 1 hour per month of video games
2. A guy who has really hairy arms or back hair
3. A "straight arrow"
4. A guy who does not like dogs
5. A guy with a hot temper

So, call me picky - I don't care.... there have got to be normal guys out there - I am sure of it....

Rattlesnake Analogy

So there was this guy who was traveling across the desert when he came upon a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake said to the man, "Will you please take me to the water". The man said, "No way, you are a rattlesnake and you will bite me". The rattlesnake said, "I promise I won't bite you. Just pick me up and take me to the water". The man decided to trust the rattlesnake and picked her up and took her to the water. The rattlesnake stayed perfectly still during the journey, but as soon as the man put the snake down, she bit him.

So I was told this analogy today by someone and left the conversation really confused about what it meant. I told the story to some good friends, and got several different responses. I think it's funny how something so simple can be interpreted in so many different ways.

So....I happened to be at a bachelorette party tonight and the waiter was soooooo funny. He kept sitting down with us to get in on the "girl talk". He said he had advise that would save a marriage if followed directly. Here goes (according to him):

Guys: I'm sorry, I won't do it again

Girls: I love you honey

The waiter also said that the #1 thing that guys hate, is when girls nag. Point taken. Got it!

Oh, and P.S. I played chauffeur yesterday for Leisl's bridal photo marathon. These are two pics I took... Don't I have the most gorgeous best friend in the world?!!!

“Behold, We Count Them Happy Which Endure"

Tonight I am faced with a similar trial that I've had one time before - and apparently did not pass because here it comes again... It is so easy to feel angry when trials come. Angry at the person causing the trial, angry with God for telling you one thing and giving you another, and angry with yourself for allowing someone else to manipulate your emotions. I decided to do some research on trials and see if I can get it right this time so my Heavenly Father doesn't feel the need to give it to me again. Here are some great quotes I found, and some of my own commentary on them. I am not going to give any specifics of this trial, but these quotes really helped me.

"We cannot expect to learn endurance in our later years if we have developed the habit of quitting when things get difficult now." - OK, so this one deals with patience, something I definitely need to work on.

"We are taught in the scriptures that there must be opposition in all things (see 2 Ne. 2:11). It is not a question of if we are ready for the tests; it is a matter of when. We must prepare to be ready for tests that will present themselves without warning." - The without warning part is key. Trials come at hard times sometimes. This week, with my best friend getting married, there is so much happiness to be shared. I hope I can get over this and feel some of it.

“Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days” (D&C 24:8). - Wow, what a beautiful scripture. Just to know that the Lord is with me and sees the pain I'm going through and understands really helps.

“Behold, we count them happy which endure” (James 5:11). - So I am not one who has mastered the whole happy despite adversity thing... In fact, I get very upset when adversity comes...

"It takes great faith and courage to pray to our Heavenly Father, 'Not as I will, but as thou wilt.' The faith to believe in the Lord and endure brings great strength. Some may say if we have enough faith, we can sometimes change the circumstances that are causing our trials and tribulations. Is our faith to change circumstances, or is it to endure them? Faithful prayers may be offered to change or moderate events in our life, but we must always remember that when concluding each prayer, there is an understanding: 'Thy will be done' (Matt. 26:42). Faith in the Lord includes trust in the Lord. The faith to endure well is faith based upon accepting the Lord’s will and the lessons learned in the events that transpire." - Heaven knows that I have made enough mistakes in my life following my plan instead of the Lord's. I guess this is one spiritual gift I feel that I have. When I receive an answer from God, I know it is from Him, regardless of what I want. I know the voice of the Spirit and try to always listen and follow it. The times when I don't follow it have brought the most sorrow in my life. But it is easy to want to go your own way and give up hope in the answer you have received - that is the test. And right now, all I want is to make the trial go away, say things I don't mean, and shut myself off from it all. I did that last time though and it didn't get me anywhere, so round 2, here I go...

"There is nothing that we are enduring that Jesus does not understand, and He waits for us to go to our Heavenly Father in prayer. I testify that if we will be obedient and if we are diligent, our prayers will be answered, our problems will diminish, our fears will dissipate, light will come upon us, the darkness of despair will be dispersed, and we will be close to the Lord and feel of His love and of the comfort of the Holy Ghost." - This is what I am waiting for... this is where faith is tested and character is gained...

Jenny's Life Lesson's to Live by:

• Nothing worth it ever comes easily
• Contention and Pride are Satan's biggest weapons against our souls
• Live as if you were going to die tomorrow, love as if you were going to live forever
• Kenneth Cope's songs make even the worst day so much better - Youtube them
• My experience with making a pro/con list is that there are always more cons, but going with the pro's always seems to make me more happy
• Be moral, be kind, treat others the way you would want to be treated, be Christlike
• Don't quit: You have not failed until you quit trying
• When you don't know what else to do, lose yourself in service