Grace & Tender Mercies

I have been taking a class at BYU - Behavioral Addictions - that has taught me a lot about myself and those around me. Basically I have come to know what grace is in an undeniable way and to believe more than ever in the power of the atonement. Today was not such a great day for me - so I decided instead of being upset to read a book I needed to finish for this class entitled "Addiction & Grace". I came upon a quote in the book - "A Jewish child of the Holocaust once wrote, And every day, no matter how bitter it be, I will say: From tomorrow on, I shall be sad, Not today!" I am astonished sometimes at the strength of others when faced with adversity that makes my troubles seem so small. I felt deeply humbled by this and decided to focus on all the amazing things about my life and where I am right now. In honor of the child who wrote that, I want to dedicate the rest of this blog to all the blessings in my life. I could list them, but I think instead I will post some recent pictures from my travels and fun things I have been doing all summer....These are the people I love most in life (minus a few), but this was a pretty great day!
Surfing with Jay off the coast of California - great memories!Fun times in Seattle and Vancouver with my bff's!

The Lord is so aware of me!

I spent Sunday fasting about a really big decision. His answer was clear, but I wanted something else... As is usually the case with me and Him. I read my Patriarchal Blessing like 10 times, kept praying over my 24 hours, and was determined not to eat until the answer changed. The answer was uncomfortable, and I didn't want to do it. I wanted to cut a certain situation out of my life and never look back, but the answer didn't change. I broke my fast, called my mom, and cried to her. I went to Ward Prayer where they showed a video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAjZ8mfoYw - it changed my life. Tears fell, and I knew that Heavenly Father's plan was bigger than my own - it was bigger than this stupid "situation" I was in, and that he knew what I needed and what would make me happiest in the end. Turn's out life was gonna make this decision for me in the end, but when it came down to it, I had no regrets because I knew it was the Lord's plan. That was the most comforting part about all of this... Personal revelation is the greatest way that the Lord shows me he is aware of me. Needless to say, I am excited. I'm kind of in love with my life right now!

I feel like falling

I hate being tied down, I don't like commitment, and I think it all comes down to the fact that I like where I am, and I don't like change - even if it means moving forward. I have some tough decisions coming up and I feel like my attitude needs a big adjustment - I need to stop fearing the future. People always say you should live in the present and not worry so much about the future - I need to do the opposite - Stop living for today and grow up and make some big decisions about my future. I'm tempted to just buy a plane ticket back to Alaska, climb in my childhood bed, and never get out. They say the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.... That is sooo not true. I fear committing 2-5 years of my life to a graduate program, I fear falling for someone, and everyday I fear I am not prepared for what Heavenly Father has in store for me. Does anyone else ever feel like this? But I don't think the root of fear is not unpreparedness at all - in fact I think I have been prepared for awhile to move forward. I have a hypothesis about what I think causes this fear, but it probably wouldn't make sense to just anyone. I have this good friend who recently told me I "need to stop waiting for the Bachelor, Jake, because this person I decide to marry has to be physically present at the temple...." I laughed so hard when he said this! I have another friend who recently told me "to get married - because it is a commandment". He has more of the "enforcement" attitude, which I can sometimes appreciate, but not in that moment :) People are funny! Apparently everyone is getting married in 2010, and subsequently want me to get married as well. I'm just tired of talking about it/thinking about it - Utah is a little intense in that way! I just want to have a lot of guy friends and then one day marry one of them - is there anything wrong with being a little more casual about it? The word "date" freaks me out - it always has, but I am trying harder to call my little "outings" what they really are. Man, I need another one of DA's in-home therapy sessions! I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but maybe he could teach me how to trust - yes, trust is the real issue. And fear is the opposite of trust, so this all makes sense - at least to me, lol. I bet no one else understands what the heck I'm talking about..... Haha, I don't care - it just feels good to blog again!

Finally!

Today I heard my favorite song on the radio and it didn't hurt like it used to - and that is enough reason to blog. It didn't remind me of someone.... It was such a liberating feeling - I love having my life back! I've been staying away from blogging for the same reason, but I miss it and I want to come back. I think one of my best friend's, K, would agree right now that life sucks when you have to deal with heartbreak. I think it's easier to just not let go of your heart in the first place - to guard it a little more carefully - not love so freely. That is not in my nature, and it's not in her's either. I think God gives us best friends, though, to remind us that there is goodness out there, and to keep loving and keep believing in people. And in my case, He gave me a best friend that would teach me how to be strong, so that I could teach her only a few months later. Someone once told me that you never really get over someone until you fall in love again. I think that is a death trap. My advice is this - Heal first, so you can be 100% yourself when you fall in love again, not bring any baggage with you, and fall for someone who you really love and not someone who you love just because he resembles the last guy that you are still in love with. Ok, enough about love...

Life has been great for me. I just got into graduate school at BYU, I get to see my best friend every day, and everything that once seemed broken is starting to become whole again. Sure, I still have trials in my life, but things are getting better - way better. I felt a new start coming over me when I came to Utah and in line with that, I have mended some friendships, ended some that needed to be ended, and met a ton of new people. Some days life is so simple that I just have to laugh - my life has never been this simple. For instance, the other day, I went to a random class, met up with my best friend for a cinnamon roll, then went for a drive through the canyon. When I stopped, I rolled down the window, hung my head out, putting my feet on the passenger's seat and just let the sun hit my face. It was such a warm day for January in Utah. It was a perfect day!