I feel like falling

I hate being tied down, I don't like commitment, and I think it all comes down to the fact that I like where I am, and I don't like change - even if it means moving forward. I have some tough decisions coming up and I feel like my attitude needs a big adjustment - I need to stop fearing the future. People always say you should live in the present and not worry so much about the future - I need to do the opposite - Stop living for today and grow up and make some big decisions about my future. I'm tempted to just buy a plane ticket back to Alaska, climb in my childhood bed, and never get out. They say the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.... That is sooo not true. I fear committing 2-5 years of my life to a graduate program, I fear falling for someone, and everyday I fear I am not prepared for what Heavenly Father has in store for me. Does anyone else ever feel like this? But I don't think the root of fear is not unpreparedness at all - in fact I think I have been prepared for awhile to move forward. I have a hypothesis about what I think causes this fear, but it probably wouldn't make sense to just anyone. I have this good friend who recently told me I "need to stop waiting for the Bachelor, Jake, because this person I decide to marry has to be physically present at the temple...." I laughed so hard when he said this! I have another friend who recently told me "to get married - because it is a commandment". He has more of the "enforcement" attitude, which I can sometimes appreciate, but not in that moment :) People are funny! Apparently everyone is getting married in 2010, and subsequently want me to get married as well. I'm just tired of talking about it/thinking about it - Utah is a little intense in that way! I just want to have a lot of guy friends and then one day marry one of them - is there anything wrong with being a little more casual about it? The word "date" freaks me out - it always has, but I am trying harder to call my little "outings" what they really are. Man, I need another one of DA's in-home therapy sessions! I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but maybe he could teach me how to trust - yes, trust is the real issue. And fear is the opposite of trust, so this all makes sense - at least to me, lol. I bet no one else understands what the heck I'm talking about..... Haha, I don't care - it just feels good to blog again!